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I don't take vacations often, so you would think that they would be restful, stress free affairs. But that wasn't the case last year when I encountered Captain Dipshit administering XC ski permits in North Conway, and it wasn't the case in Nantucket either.
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It started out as a nice day with Joanne and I doing some tourist trap shopping. I bought some great XXL T-shirts that said "NANTUCKET" on them. What a lucky find!!
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By noon, all of the browsing had worn us down a bit, and we went into the Schooner on Easy St. for a light lunch.
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We sat on a bench at the wall, and two tables down was a precocious 4 year old, with his loud and overly enunciating mother. Our tyke was wielding a pirate pistol and sword and in no time had disassembled the curtain behind us.
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Naturally, Joanne and I were dispassionate and cool in our response to this annoyance.
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Then the little guy lost his sword under the bench, which required waitstaff help to retrieve.
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We were slightly peeved, but his obnoxious Mom didn't seem to mind.
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Then, "Little Asshole", as I now started to mentally refer to him, walks down the bench to me pointing his toy pistol.
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With restraint and reserve, I notioned that this was not cool to "LA". No response from Stupid Shit Mom, who was too busy doing anything but pay attention to Little Asshole...
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Now this little Annoying Little Future Loser of America walks on the bench right up to me and points the pistol an inch from my head. It seemed to have one of those suction cup darts on it or something.
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Naturally I kept my composure..... but I was hoping for a miracle that his father would appear, so I could pummel Dad's face to bloody mush until the police and ambulance arrived and carted him to the hospital and me away to a Nantucket lock up.
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No luck with this fantasy coming true though.
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So, turning to Little Asshole, I calming addressed Stupid Shit Mom saying, "Excuse me... Is this your SON???", figuring that she would take some responsive action.
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LA retreated to the comforting arms of Stupid Shit, who said nothing... neither to Joanne and I nor to Little Asshole. Idiots beget idiots.
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We continued eating our Buffalo Wings and Nachos as the Obnoxious Duo wisely decided to exit the Schooner.
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Peeps...
I know that a lot of you are new parents or will be shortly.
A few words of caution/advise.
- Nobody wants to hear you talking loudly to Little Precious so that you can demonstrate what a superior caregiver you are.
- Keep the inappropriate stupid toys out of public places, and teach your cute little tyke to stay in his own seat.
- Your kids are bound to act out of line from time to time, but that doesn't mean that you have to add to the problem by ignoring their behavior, or even acting like a role model for Idiots yourself.
- Bring your husband next time so that I won't look like a bully reprimanding you for the utter lack of control that you have, and I can take out my frustration on somebody my own size.
I find whippin' out my weiner an effecacious rejoinder in such situations. It frightens off most people around. Its a gila monster, my most excellent friend. You take that dog out the pound and folks are rightly lockin' thems gates shut. That's how I roll.