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Tuesday, November 15, 2011

White Trash Balls - Disclosed

Persistent Peeps have been posing questions about my Thanksgiving Bash White Trash Balls recipe. 
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Normally I would shrug these types of requests away as just another of the hundreds of incursions that I receive everyday from Peeps who want some shred of recognition from the Mountain of a Man.
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But these requests are so diverse and widespread... from people like Superpeep Brian Butler, Ruthie Bollen from the old Neighborhood, and Kelly Light of Upstate New York Site Aquisition fame.... that I can't just brush them off as if they were regular rank and file common irritants.
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As I find myself weakened and compromised, I hereby disclose the coveted Nanepashemet recipe for.....
WHITE TRASH BALLS.
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Please follow this recipe closely... step by step... or don't even try it at all.  WTB's are serious Bash party food.
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Begin by washing your hands thoroughly.  Really get under the fingernails, and then don't go scratching anything before you start cooking.
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Using a Cuisinart Food Processor, add three cups of white flour to the mixing bowl.  I prefer bleached white flour like Pillsbury which has been so processed that a nutrient wouldn't  stand a chance to be found.  We're talking WTB's here.... not freaking health food.
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Next add a teaspoon of salt to the flour, followed by three quarters of a stick of salted butter.  Make sure it is salted because the unsalted butter doesn't taste as good, and it you are going to clog up your arterys with butter, it might as well be the good tasting stuff.
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Put the lid on the Cuisinart bowl and pulse the dry mixture a few times.  If you leave the lid off, you will have flour all over the freaking kitchen, so that is an important step.   I always feel bad when I forget to do this, and then Joanne has all that clean up to do.
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Take a coffee mug and fill it with ice cubes, then fill to the brim with cold water.
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In another coffee cup, place a packet of self rising yeast in and fill half way with luke warm water.  The water should be just warm to the touch.   Then add a tablespoon of white or brown sugar.  Stir with a spoon and set this mixture aside.   The yeast will come to life with the water and start feeding on the sugar.  In about three minutes, a foam will form on the top of this mixture.   I guess you could say the this is the climax of a young yeast life.
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If you're done with that mental picture, take the coffee cup with the ice cubes and pour the water into the cup with the yeast mixture, using your fingers to strain the ice.  Now aren't you glad you didn't scratch yourself?
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Start pulsing the dry flour mixture and  slowly pour the combined liquid slowing into the open tube on the Cuisinart cover.  This dribble should take about a minute.   Then contine to pulse the flour and the liquid for a minute or so until it transforms into dough and pulls away from the sides of the Cuisinart bowl.
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Take this dough ball out, but it into a mixing bowl and cover the bowl with cellphane wrap that you have sprayed with Pam non- stick spray.
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For the Bash, I repeat this about three times and put all of the dough into the freezer until the morning of the Bash.   Then take the dough out and let it rise.
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Fill a turkey fryer or lobster kettle with peanut oil about a third of the height of the pot.
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I use the turkey fryer but you can use your stove to get the oil heated to 375 degrees.   This is important so use a thermometer..  If it is less, the balls will be greasy, and if it is hotter, the balls will be burnt.   There is nothing worse than greasy balls.... or burnt balls.
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Now is where the importance of clean hands comes in.  Pick small pieces of the dough, work it into small balls and carefully place in the 375 degree oil.  If the balls are too big, they will expand and be undercooked in the middle.   A freaking gross white trash ball.
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Let the balls brown nicely on one side... about three minutes, then turn them and let them finish browning for another two minutes or so.   I use gloves because the oil tends to splatter, then hurts like hell on your hands and forearms.
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When they are a nice golden color, remove them and place in a bowl with paper towers, drizzle with powdered sugar or sugar and cinnamon.
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I've found that the Peeps at the Bash seem to enjoy their White Trash Balls more after six beers or so.
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My lawyers advised me to deny this recipe to you, but I'm pretty judgement proof after all of the legal fees I've paid them, so I figure.... what the hell.  If you want to sue me... get in line.
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And don't eat too many White Trash Balls in one sitting.

Geary C said...

Sounds like you are very confident in the quality and purpose of our balls.


1 comment:

  1. Geary C9:56 PM

    Sounds like you are very confident in the quality and purpose of our balls.

    ReplyDelete

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